Mayphisto

I have to admit, I don't pay that much attention to the monthly output of Marvel and DC these days. I catch up on trades and hardcovers here and there. So I hope you will forgive that I have, until now, not been aware of the grave crisis concerning Peter Parker and his wife Mary-Jane, who have to make Sophie's Choice between letting Peter's elderly, oxygen thieving Aunt May finally die for, please God, a final time, or making their emotionally retarded, creatively desiccated marriage as if it never was, in order to free up Peter to be a goofy, never-laid bachelor again, to be more accessible to the target audience.

This is, of course, a sound idea, since Peter's marriage in 1987 started a ripple effect where sales of nearly every superhero comic went into decline. I remember when that hated Amazing Spider-Man Annual came out, saying to myself, "Well, it won't be long now before the New Universe titles are cancelled," and sure enough I was right.

I don't know why anyone is surprised. Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada has said repeatedly he hates old people, often when in the salad bar line at Sizzler. I just feel a little bad for J. Michael Straczynski, who wasn't in favor of this storyline, and had to rework a lot of other bad story ideas he had ready in order to write this particular bad story idea. We'll wait for ya, JMS! There is a rumor, though, that JMS will get to incorporate one of those ideas into this story, when it is revealed that Aunt May and Mephisto are one and the same (I always suspected this--look at their chins!). It's not widely known, but wheatcakes are a form of Satanic host. If this doesn't turn out to be true (or Marvel gets scared), the plan is for Mephisto to pull his usual trickery, not only nullifying the marriage but damning May to Hell for long ago fornicating with then-fiancee Nathan Lubensky.