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Buh
The girl at work I had a thing with for many months and now we don't, well, I really just, like, ached for her this weekend. Not straight through, but at night. We had lunch on Friday and I basically told her I missed her and wanted to kiss her and she said she didn't want to. I didn't force it, but it sucks. Even though I clearly meet interesting women all the time, I don't get to know them, and she's someone I know and really just completely like. I mean, I sent her a link to those infamous Spider-Man "rape dollars" comic strips somebody redialogued a few years ago, and she even laughed at those. She's a keeper, I tell ya!
I am making an attempt to know someone else, though, and it looks like we may have lunch this week or next. I'm not bad in person most of the time, but I really am masterful at email. I mean, I'm not bragging or anything--it's not like it gets me laid a lot or anything, but I am pretty charming. Here's what I do:
1) Listen, observe, grab some piece of information for the opening gambit. If she said she was going to Vegas, or shopping, or a concert, or just watching The Office last night, the next day you be sure to ask about how it was.
2) Offer something that relates to what she replied to your own life if it's interesting, but generally keep talk about yourself to a minimum. Keep her talking about her. To be honest, email exchanges between me and a women usually work out to about 20 questions on my part to 1 from her, at the most. And that doesn't make her conceited; this is what you want, to learn about her. Aside from the occasional anecdote, I prefer to keep talk about myself to when we're talking face to face, where I can gauge her reaction, qualify or backup if it seems I'm going in the wrong direction, etc.
3) Keep emails short and entertaining but always moving the plot. That is, reacting to whatever came before, try to add something amusing or move it naturally to something else amusing if the previous topic is played, and then ask her something else.
4) When to stop? Just before she does. I mean, after about six emails it's a good time to stop, if not for the day then at least for most of the day, to maybe end with a "Well, I'm almost out of here. Have a good night if I don't see you" or whatever. Just something that's mild but still shows you're thinking about her. Also, pay attention to how quickly she replies. Obviously, people get busy doing, like, their actual jobs, but if each email takes an hour to get a reply she might be kind of annoyed, disinterested, or it's just not a good day.
Here's how it worked for me with this woman I work with, who's been there maybe a couple months but I never really talked to before. She was at the table for the baby shower thing and I was talking to the older female coworker next to her I'm friendly with, and she was quiet, so I tried to include her, and learned she was going to Vegas that weekend with a "friend." Resist the urge early on to determine the other person's situation, because they'll let you know in some way if they are or are not interested, and you don't want to show your interest too soon by asking, "Friend? Is it a girl or a guy? Gay? Boyfriend? What? Why am I asking? Oh...just curious. Whatever. Go on." So then today I emailed (not the first thing in the morning) to ask how Vegas was. She replied pretty quickly but without much detail, so I pressed on and got an amusing story and her opinion on her hotel and pool and such, and I kind of downplayed my own weekend, and we were off. And in maybe five or six more emails, we'd gotten to her friend being a girl, that she's a fun, non-uptight girl who will do silly things in public like stopping at every Starbucks on the way from Vegas for a different coffee drink and a photo op, that she's moving tomorrow with some friends, and what neighborhood, that she often does errands at lunch and then eats at her desk while working but will sometimes go out for the full hour and that she likes the food at a restaurant close to our building and that she woudn't mind going there again, with me, this week or next. And you can get all that by being a little funny, very observant, a little subtle, and not at all stalkeriffic or intense or lewd. So there you go.
I am making an attempt to know someone else, though, and it looks like we may have lunch this week or next. I'm not bad in person most of the time, but I really am masterful at email. I mean, I'm not bragging or anything--it's not like it gets me laid a lot or anything, but I am pretty charming. Here's what I do:
1) Listen, observe, grab some piece of information for the opening gambit. If she said she was going to Vegas, or shopping, or a concert, or just watching The Office last night, the next day you be sure to ask about how it was.
2) Offer something that relates to what she replied to your own life if it's interesting, but generally keep talk about yourself to a minimum. Keep her talking about her. To be honest, email exchanges between me and a women usually work out to about 20 questions on my part to 1 from her, at the most. And that doesn't make her conceited; this is what you want, to learn about her. Aside from the occasional anecdote, I prefer to keep talk about myself to when we're talking face to face, where I can gauge her reaction, qualify or backup if it seems I'm going in the wrong direction, etc.
3) Keep emails short and entertaining but always moving the plot. That is, reacting to whatever came before, try to add something amusing or move it naturally to something else amusing if the previous topic is played, and then ask her something else.
4) When to stop? Just before she does. I mean, after about six emails it's a good time to stop, if not for the day then at least for most of the day, to maybe end with a "Well, I'm almost out of here. Have a good night if I don't see you" or whatever. Just something that's mild but still shows you're thinking about her. Also, pay attention to how quickly she replies. Obviously, people get busy doing, like, their actual jobs, but if each email takes an hour to get a reply she might be kind of annoyed, disinterested, or it's just not a good day.
Here's how it worked for me with this woman I work with, who's been there maybe a couple months but I never really talked to before. She was at the table for the baby shower thing and I was talking to the older female coworker next to her I'm friendly with, and she was quiet, so I tried to include her, and learned she was going to Vegas that weekend with a "friend." Resist the urge early on to determine the other person's situation, because they'll let you know in some way if they are or are not interested, and you don't want to show your interest too soon by asking, "Friend? Is it a girl or a guy? Gay? Boyfriend? What? Why am I asking? Oh...just curious. Whatever. Go on." So then today I emailed (not the first thing in the morning) to ask how Vegas was. She replied pretty quickly but without much detail, so I pressed on and got an amusing story and her opinion on her hotel and pool and such, and I kind of downplayed my own weekend, and we were off. And in maybe five or six more emails, we'd gotten to her friend being a girl, that she's a fun, non-uptight girl who will do silly things in public like stopping at every Starbucks on the way from Vegas for a different coffee drink and a photo op, that she's moving tomorrow with some friends, and what neighborhood, that she often does errands at lunch and then eats at her desk while working but will sometimes go out for the full hour and that she likes the food at a restaurant close to our building and that she woudn't mind going there again, with me, this week or next. And you can get all that by being a little funny, very observant, a little subtle, and not at all stalkeriffic or intense or lewd. So there you go.
Posted by ChristopherAllen at 12:06 AM [Link to this post]
2 Comments:
Thanks for that, Chris. Sounds like good advice. I'll try to remember that.
Well, good luck. I just know that for a writerly type like me, emails and text messaging are a godsend. I'm mostly okay in person but the good thing about the other methods is you get that extra time to edit yourself.
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